When a Fellow Believer Offends Us
Dear Phil,
What should we do when someone offends us?
Stacey
What should we do when someone offends us?
Stacey
Dear Stacey,
Good question! I suppose the answer depends on two things: what you mean by “offends” and whether the “someone” is a fellow Christian. To keep things simple, I’m going to assume that you’re talking about a Jesus-follower. What do we do when another Christian offends us?
The word “offends” in Scripture primarily refers to “being a reason another person stumbles into sin” (1 Cor 8:13 KJV; Rom 14:20–22 KJV). You have been offended in this biblical sense if someone’s actions, attitude, or words have created a stumbling block for you—either you are being tempted to react sinfully or you have already tripped and fallen into sin. If you fell into sin, then you need to repent and make restitution. If it is the other person that sinned, then the passages that give us direction regarding what to do include Luke 17:3–4, Matthew 18:15–17, and 1 Corinthians 6:5–8. I’ve explored the Luke and Matthew passages in this column before. Let’s take a moment with 1 Corinthians 6.
In 1 Corinthians 6, Paul addresses a situation where one church member has apparently financially defrauded another. Paul says they (and we) must not take the case to secular courts (1 Cor 6:1, 6–7). What we can do is have wise members in the church decide the case (1 Cor 6:5). In a worst-case scenario where the offending party refuses to admit wrong or to correct the wrong, Paul then says, “Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be defrauded?” (1 Cor 6:7). Paul’s point is that it is better simply to suffer a wrong by a fellow Christian and entrust ultimate justice to God’s hands than it is to take it to a secular court.
In cases of being offended that do not involve sin, we should begin by examining ourselves:
Loving one another fervently (1 Pet 1:22), implies that we are not easily put out by the idiosyncrasies or personality quirks of others. That’s what Paul means when he says, “Put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another…” (Col 3:12–13). You don’t have to “bear with” someone who you enjoy being around or do not find annoying. Forbearance is needed when we’re tempted to “lower the boom” or sharply reprimand. Has God shown us forbearance? Should we not then put up with one another in love? (Eph 4:2).
After we have worked through these questions, we should give ourselves time to evaluate whether the offense is going to damage our ability to work, minister, or live with the other person. If we conclude that it will, then we should pursue a conversation that begins something like this:
By sharing your perspective and feelings without judging someone’s motives or meaning, you open the door to a conversation that, more often than not, will resolve the issue. I heartily recommend Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Joseph Grenny, et al., for an excellent guide on how to have conversations about potentially explosive topics that will impact your relationships. It provides a great deal of wisdom and gives its readers access to a vast store of example scenarios via the newsletter published by Crucial Learning.
Blessings,
Phil
Good question! I suppose the answer depends on two things: what you mean by “offends” and whether the “someone” is a fellow Christian. To keep things simple, I’m going to assume that you’re talking about a Jesus-follower. What do we do when another Christian offends us?
The word “offends” in Scripture primarily refers to “being a reason another person stumbles into sin” (1 Cor 8:13 KJV; Rom 14:20–22 KJV). You have been offended in this biblical sense if someone’s actions, attitude, or words have created a stumbling block for you—either you are being tempted to react sinfully or you have already tripped and fallen into sin. If you fell into sin, then you need to repent and make restitution. If it is the other person that sinned, then the passages that give us direction regarding what to do include Luke 17:3–4, Matthew 18:15–17, and 1 Corinthians 6:5–8. I’ve explored the Luke and Matthew passages in this column before. Let’s take a moment with 1 Corinthians 6.
In 1 Corinthians 6, Paul addresses a situation where one church member has apparently financially defrauded another. Paul says they (and we) must not take the case to secular courts (1 Cor 6:1, 6–7). What we can do is have wise members in the church decide the case (1 Cor 6:5). In a worst-case scenario where the offending party refuses to admit wrong or to correct the wrong, Paul then says, “Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be defrauded?” (1 Cor 6:7). Paul’s point is that it is better simply to suffer a wrong by a fellow Christian and entrust ultimate justice to God’s hands than it is to take it to a secular court.
In cases of being offended that do not involve sin, we should begin by examining ourselves:
|
Loving one another fervently (1 Pet 1:22), implies that we are not easily put out by the idiosyncrasies or personality quirks of others. That’s what Paul means when he says, “Put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another…” (Col 3:12–13). You don’t have to “bear with” someone who you enjoy being around or do not find annoying. Forbearance is needed when we’re tempted to “lower the boom” or sharply reprimand. Has God shown us forbearance? Should we not then put up with one another in love? (Eph 4:2).
After we have worked through these questions, we should give ourselves time to evaluate whether the offense is going to damage our ability to work, minister, or live with the other person. If we conclude that it will, then we should pursue a conversation that begins something like this:
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1. Could you help me with a problem I have?
2. When you said/did X, it felt to me like X, but I don’t want to misinterpret you. 3. Could you help me understand what you meant by X or how you see X? |
By sharing your perspective and feelings without judging someone’s motives or meaning, you open the door to a conversation that, more often than not, will resolve the issue. I heartily recommend Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Joseph Grenny, et al., for an excellent guide on how to have conversations about potentially explosive topics that will impact your relationships. It provides a great deal of wisdom and gives its readers access to a vast store of example scenarios via the newsletter published by Crucial Learning.
Blessings,
Phil